"Ambivalence" (2014 - Present)

I bring you images of the title and first page of my original spec script for a project I titled "Ambivalence," (mostly) unedited and raw. These 132 coffee-and-tea-stained pages have been the hard copy manual for which I have referenced for years of work put into this screenplay. And now I want to talk a little about this labor of love for which I've cultivated for four years.

I started writing this script at twenty-two years old in 2014. I was a no one and a nobody, not that I am particularly any of those things now. However I have grown in many ways since this time. At the time of starting this script I had no education, no driver's license, no job and essentially no direction to my life. I was at an impasse to where I could choose to lay down and die or strive for more. I seriously considered the former but ultimately chose the latter. I started going to GED classes (eventually earning 2/4 of my degree as I am still a work-in-progress to this day, folks), earned a job and a driver's license all within a year's time. These were huge first steps for me but by no means the catalyst.

The catalyst really came from the acceptance that I was attracted to females as I was born biologically female myself. Furthermore, it was realizing that I am transgender and identify as male. This was the a-ha moment of why I was stuck running in place and living out Einstein's theory of insanity. Coming out to close family and friends and not finding a whole lot of opposition helped me along the road to acceptance. Then I was able to focus on what I truly loved doing and what I wanted in my life.

Writing was undeniably the answer to that question, and truthfully in any way, shape or form. But something had always drawn me into the world of film and cinema. The way a story is told through the lives of characters through actors on a screen was fascinating. I had wanted to write a script for a very long time but I was young, inexperienced, undisciplined and hadn't lived life. By the time I was twenty-two, I started to gain some confidence and was dealing with mental illness. This brought me to the realization that I had a story to tell in there.

I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder at 20. I had been the victim of sexual assault when I was 13-years-old, I had blacked it out and it took me five years to confide in anyone and get help. I always found solace in history and studying war and the psychological effects that it has on a person. I realized I related to these people who struggled with anxiety, depression and PTSD because I also was inflicted with the struggle. So knowing as much as I did about the military and war and also knowing what it meant to be LGBT and have mental illness, a story arose.

Finding out that a rampant issue in the military was sexual assault was an eye-opening moment that lead me to know exactly the story I wanted to tell. I submersed myself in books and documentaries on Afghanistan and Iraq. I credit Kirby Dick's documentary, "The Invisible War" and Jake Tapper's book, "The Outpost", as well as Sebastian Junger and Tim Hetherington's experiences in Afghanistan that were published in the book "War" and documentaries "Restrepo" and "Korengal" as huge inspirations. This is where I found a lot of source material that enabled me the knowledge and confidence to put a fictional tale together.

I started and stopped writing this script so many times that I can't count. I threw away so many half-finished drafts and started over. I finally was able to say that I was happy with either the third or fourth draft and that is the copy you see in the photos above. This took me over a year to complete. I was reading everything I could about character development, how to outline and the structure of the script in the meantime. I was dedicated to finishing this script and I did. I have attempted again and again at bettering the story in the years since and it's been about as slow going as molasses.

I still think there are holes that need to be plugged. I think there are characters and moments that could be better developed but I have a solid working draft that I can say I am incredibly proud of. There's always room for improvement but nothing is perfect either. I hope to bring and breathe life into this script one day. That it may go out into the world and speak to people who struggle with the subjects touched upon in the written words of action and dialogue whether it be with mental illness, traumatic events or accepting the idea of having someone that loves them.

The characters of Sergeant Desi Reza and Lieutenant Aimee Villette are figments of my imagination but are very real people to me. Their struggles are real and valid and are true to life. These are real experiences that happen every day whether in the military or not. Sexual assault is widespread across the world and needs to be brought to light for the damaging effects that it has on the lives of humans. Maybe one day this script will become one of the things that help to do that. Or so one hopes.