in courage, humility and with faith

I described to an acquaintance over coffee recently that my entire life and existence is in “transition.” That was an absolute understatement. My foundations are shaking and the earth is remolding and reshaping beneath me. Old and well-worn behaviors are falling away from me, I am looking at myself in the mirror and recognizing the man on the surface and beneath. Where there were once high walls towering before me, there are now hammers smashing through the brick and mortar that are making a path and way for me where I never thought there would be.

There is no way of knowing if it’s God or the universe that is guiding me but I happen to believe in both. I happen to believe in the gravity that grounds me and the power of faith that is within me that everything ultimately lands where it’s supposed to. Today I am one month on testosterone and I feel I am changing on a cellular level every day as a trans man. The shifting molds and shape of my body is just the surface levels of evolution that is happening in my life.

I would like to start there, with the gravity of the situation and the skin of the thing. Sure, my arms and my body are forming more muscles and gaining power every day but there is a momentous sense of courage that is shaping itself and grounding my soul in that image. In the past I have related (maybe a little too much) to the Cowardly Lion from “The Wizard of Oz” and boy, isn’t that the metaphor for my life before now. There lies a man who was cowering and hiding away from the adventure of his own life. My whole life I have been hiding but I feel I am finally stepping into my own adventure now and ready to take on whatever gravity has for me.

This leads me to the idea of humility. In the admission that I am dying to myself, to who I once was and who I am now. There is so much shame and guilt to where I have been and what I have done (or not) in my life but recently, and only recently, I have discovered that I don’t have to carry those weights with me on my journey. My adventure holds no space for the torments of my past mistakes.

Then there’s where I am now. Every once in a while a storm brews inside me, it rains down the ideas that the past has made me unworthy of a future. I find that peace comes in my shifting perspectives, I used to think of my life as solely mine but I don’t find that entirely true anymore. I have more discovered that my life is certainly a collaboration between God, the universe and all the people who love me and have helped mold me into the man I am today.

Through that idea of collaboration have I been able to forgive myself as others have forgiven me, I am able to look at myself with grace and humility. I am able to look at myself as imperfect while also admitting that I am trying so much harder to be better than I was yesterday. My life is mine, that is true but it’s also a little part of everyone that I touch.

Here I land on faith. Faith and I have had a torrid romance, falling together and apart often. We wander different paths only to find each other again. My faith comes from watching the things that happen in my life that are both in and beyond my control. The way that the moments and opportunity, joy and sorrow weave in and out of my life. The way that the moments I experience reflect and resonate with others, that I am strong enough to hold another while also going through the same trial is only through faith.

A little courage, a slice of humility and a heap of faith has landed me in the spot I am today. There is an endless road before me with sharp turns and unpredictably large hills and mountains to climb. I have no idea what lies beyond those curves and mounds.

All I know is that my adventure lies within and my feet are no longer afraid to walk. My shoulders are no longer heavy with limitations as I leave them behind and walk humbly away growing stronger with the knowledge of where I’ve been. In my soul there is a faith that lights me with passion and motivation and sense of duty. These walk with me as I step into an unknown future, a life and purpose. Things I once believed that I would and could never possess.

All I ask of you is to wish me well on my adventures, hoping and praying with me that all will fall into place in exactly the right time and exactly the way they are supposed to.

Author’s note: This blog will probably be going dark for the next month or more. There is a lot of time consuming opportunities that I am attempting to embark on, my soul is learning and soaking in all the offerings and I hope to return with perspectives to share with you. Until then, wish me luck.