TRANSlation: The Voice You Needed

Baby Emery. Probably 7 or 8-years-old. Circa 2000.

I have come a long way in six months. Six months has come and gone and they have witnessed me go from recklessly trying to destroy my life and kill myself slowly to standing up for who I am and what I believe in. These past six months have seen me struggling and striving to be better. These past six months have seen me through bettering myself and falling flat on my face in a backwards slide. The months have seen me go from saying “when I get better” to “I am bettering myself and I am ready to take steps forward.”

Six months ago, I was hiding in a cave of identity. Too scared of being who I know I was born to be. I am now facing who I was born to be, stepping out of the shadows and slowly becoming that man. It is all a process and I am slowly but surely getting there. In two and a half months, I will begin hormone therapy and start testosterone. This will begin the physical transition into who I’ve always been. What can I say? I’m a late bloomer.

But recently I’ve been put through the hellfire of having to come out to people more and more. Some are close family members and some are co-workers. Some are people who entirely do not understand and do not want to understand. Others have looked me in the eye and told me, ‘I’m sorry you have to go through this because life is hard enough.’ That’s the thing. This is my life. There is no choice for me here. There is transition or there is death. I choose life and I choose to take the terrifying unknown path of transition.

Since I’ve started to be more “out and proud,” so to speak, about my gender identity, I’ve also been faced with having to explain tirelessly and sort of become a spokesperson for all things transgender for the people in my life. That is not always fun because my story is not every story. My voice is not the voice of all trans experiences in the world. I am one person getting through this as best he knows how. But I’ve also been confronted with many, many opportunities to grow in light of this.

I’ve truly only recently found my voice, what I believe in and what I stand for and no longer do I cower away in fear. There are still circumstances where I don’t always follow through or I crawl back in my hole for a while just to be but that is because I am simply human. I am fallible and I cannot always stand strong.

Very recently I was presented with an opportunity to help a kid that I’ve never met, never been introduced to or even had an idea that they existed. A kid that doesn’t even live in my state. This kid was born female and now identifies as male. I’ve never spoken with him but I am in communication with his mother, who is understandably a little overwhelmed and little afraid of what this means for her kid. I was initially hesitant when a friend of mine asked for my help. I was faced with the age old worry of being "good enough" or feeling like I had enough experience or understanding to help. What could someone like me, who has barely begun transitioning, have to offer?

All I can give anyone is what I’ve been through, what I’ve experienced and what I’ve researched and what I’ve come to find out. I know there is a very warped way that some medical professionals, teachers, parents, politicians and the world views these situations and the way they handle people – especially kids – who are trans. It’s beginning to shift if you can find the right people, the right institutions and the right resources. Sadly that is not always the easiest and most accessible information out there but it is out there if you want the knowledge and you want to learn.

So I fought myself internally for a good couple of hours, slept on it and woke up knowing that I had to help this kid. In the end, it doesn’t matter if I’m good enough or if I’m the "perfect" voice that this mom needed to hear from to help her son through what he is going through. I had to face that I do, in fact, have more resources than most people and that I am particularly fond of research. Always have been and have to admit that I’m pretty good at it.

The hardest thought I had to face was that maybe if my mother had met a guy like me when I was a child, if there was someone in her life that could’ve introduced her to someone like me then maybe things could’ve been different in my story. That was the game changer. I have no way of knowing whether this would be true now or not but there is only knowing that I did everything in my power to help this kid be understood a little better and make his life a little easier. No matter in what regard I hold myself or how I see myself, knowing that I could be instrumental in helping this kid get the help he needs. That’s all that matters.

There is knowing that I’ve been that confused kid, I’ve been that kid fighting socially, within himself and against all odds to be who he is. There is only knowing that there is a mom out there willing to listen and understand her child better, there are people out there who want to make the world a little easier for people like me to walk through life. People who are willing to make life worth living for people like myself and like this kid.

Honestly, I’ve been so scared about how badly people would react if they knew I was trans that I didn’t realize that I was silencing one more voice that could be used for good and to educate. I’ve certainly discovered that the voices that are trying to help are so much louder than the naysayers. The ones who won’t listen, the ones who refuse to try to understand. Those are people who do not understand compassion, who want to live their lives shrouded in ignorance and those are people without unconditional love in their hearts. So I’ve been bettering myself, I’ve been finding the voice that parents, teachers, co-workers and society needs to hear.

I started to face who I was and chose to start my transition because I didn’t want to die. So now I am being who I am, using my voice to try and make it that much easier for others to live. This is not to say that I have all the answers because I certainly do not and I am still going and working through my own issues. And I am certainly not a trained medical professional but knowing that I am capable of opening the hearts, minds and perspectives of people is enough for me.

What I am absolutely sure of is that there was a gapped-toothed little boy with long blonde hair and blue eyes that needed a voice in his life twenty years ago and now he is finding that voice in himself and using it.

Side note: I had anticipated kicking off the "TRANSlation" series very differently and I still plan to post my initial writings for that. But life has it's way of showing you the lessons along the way and you have to grab them and put them out there when you find them.

Sorry it took so long, life is hectic sometimes.