"Whoever's child I am, my body is mine."

Cover art of "Man Alive" titled "Beefcake Paperdoll" by Xavier Schipani. No copyright infringement intended.

To read two distinctly different novels, from two vastly different authors, telling varying stories to a degree that lend notice to the same thing is extraordinary. To read these two books within a week of each other without even realizing or aiming for the initial theme is odd. I was blind to the fact that I was embarking on a journey to sort of unravel the ideal of masculinity and humanity (mostly the toxic forms) and unfold them instead in an array of convoluted and distorted emotions to make a clearer picture. This is very palpable for me in my life, where I am.

I suppose in some superfluous way I have always sought out stories about the strong male character. I really dug my heels in, unafraid to get dirt beneath my nails of what it means to be a man and the responsibilities that are entailed. Some were encouraging examples of growing into a great man and other’s were not so great. I would come to grow and worship the idea of the anti-hero much later on – to an unhealthy extent even. One thing I quickly became aware of was there was no shortage of a variety of heroes to me yet none that would quite resemble the journey that I am on currently.

Watching “Fight Club” for the first time at some point in my teenage years, the film destroyed so many preconceived notions about not only forms of storytelling but also (looking merely skin deep) into what the idea of masculinity in the modern age might look like. At the time, the idea of the anti-hero was embedded in the psyche of every young and impressionable kid – especially males.

So coming face-to-face with someone like Tyler Durden, the ideal of the ultimate rebellious anti-hero, had millions of us ready to fight at a moment’s notice. In this man we saw an idea of what true freedom might look like, what a man’s natural instinct come to fruition is; a wild, hideous form of animal. We all saw the perfect specter of our desires as it related to our so often deflated sense of manhood and want, ignoring the awful along the way.

‘In Tyler we trust’ felt like a normal thing to say. I had never wanted and coveted the animal side of me before that film came out. I coveted the right to do whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted. Reading the story in its original form in paperback now, I viewed the story differently, having grown up and lived and coexisted with many of types of human animals. I realized that Tyler Durden is no ideal man, instead born in a sort of madness that I think we all possess and some of us even have to face at some point in our lives. And, well, let’s be honest; you’ll probably never be Brad Pitt.

Essentially some of us choose to give into the wild animal with no inhibitions and some of us choose to be entirely different people – for better or worse. Humans have to reconcile with the animal inside of us all and choose not to become the thing that destroys us and the people around us.

That brings me to the other book I read recently. This one titled “Man Alive” by Thomas Page McBee. This is a different sort of story of manhood, of choosing manhood and all the good and bad that comes with it. It’s about facing the trauma of the past, seeking answers to what makes the monsters that destroy us. To no longer perpetuate the cycle of abuse that life can find you in. Anyone afflicted with trauma can truly become the thing that destroyed them and it’s much easier to do than people realize. Not being conscious of your anger or your disregard of the people around you and the kind of pain that we as humans so readily inflict.

I became that monster in a way in only a split second’s time once. I was in denial, deep, deep repressed emotions bubbled to the surface at a moment’s notice. The loudness in my head was intensified by the loudness of a child that clung to me and in that moment, I snapped. I shoved the child away so harshly that she ended up slamming into a door. She wasn't hurt but that didn't matter, it was wrong and I’ve hated myself for that moment for a long time.

But it is never simple or easy, it can be as easy as taking advantage of a situation, to control and manipulate it – bending it to your will until it breaks. There’s a lot of things that manifest from trauma, so many that most of us can’t even list them – unless you are in the mental health profession and have time to study these things. Most of us go on so entirely unaware. We coast in our lives. Those things are easiest, ignoring them but not choosing to own them.

Can you remember a moment where you chose to show up to your own life? Do you really and truly show up to your life and choose to claim it? Choose your body, choose your style, choose your family, choose your friends and choose who you become. We become a side effect of the white noise in our lives – like setting the cruise control on the way to Atlanta and the next time you choose to read a sign suddenly realizing you are all the way at a beach in South Carolina and wondering how you got there.

You have to choose where you end up and how you get there. You have to choose to be in the moment, not living in the past – in mistakes or in the denial of it even existing – and you have to choose not to live in the anxiety and uncertainty of the future because nothing is guaranteed. How often do we really choose our goals? Is it because someone tells us we’re good at something and should keep striving towards that? Is it because it’s someone else’s will or are we waking up to choose to do these because they truly better us along the way to where we’re headed?

You have to choose your own goals, means to an end or choosing the meaning to your ending. It’s that simple. I have discovered that we are often the perpetrators to the toxic and negativity in our own lives. There are all sorts of flashing lights on the way to Atlanta that let you know you are on your way and so, in that way, we need to recognize the signals in our lives that we’re headed in the wrong direction. We are also surrounded by the people that distract us and perpetuate our negative state and feed off of and into that - making us miss the signs all together.

The quote I used as the title of this post comes from “Man Alive” and it’s essentially saying that no matter who or where you come from, what you feel that you’re stuck in, that you can claim it. You can choose your own life and own the choices you make. This includes the mistakes and that often takes patience and forgiveness from yourself, you have to allow it to exist (the pain, the apologies and the forgiveness) and you have to be open and be willing to change.

So in these titles, in the form of toxic masculinity, I have discovered a whole whirlwind of realization. You can wake up and realize that you are entirely the wrong person, that this was never who you intended to be, find yourself somewhere in-between or you can live an authenticated life. An authentic life where you choose to be alive in moments and decide right here and right now that things will be different or can continue on down the road of self-destruction – or eventually into the ocean if you decide not to read the sign that explicitly says 'Atlanta.'

And this applies to every moment of our lives. There are so many paths ahead of us, yet we can usually see one or two feasible ones when, if you were to look at the broader scope, that’s just not true. In all actuality, it comes down to hard work, tough moments of decision and fighting for what you want. Owning who and what you are and manifesting your own destiny and your own life. It’s the only life that you can know that you have. So wake up and choose the right one – for better or worse.

"Fight Club" by Chuck Palahniuk and "Man Alive" by Thomas Page McBee are available on Amazon.